In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
He just took a bite of each taco bell burrito and hid them throughout my apartment. this was 2 weeks ago and have found 30 burritos so far
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
I didn't know I was invited to an orgy.
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Yes. I had to slow down my handjob so he would last...-and I give shitty handjobs to begin with
The guy i took home was a circus freak. He jerked off 3 times in front me after we had sex. And he came every time.
Randomize
