soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.
Found out my brother is now my eskimo brother...One of my proudest times as a brother
i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.
and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.
The hell is wrong with me
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
The only rule I'm making for myself tonight is to not drink out of the sink at the bar.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
this dude is way too smart. he just explained to me the different scientific components of drugs while we smoked. i said i loved icecream.
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
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