When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.
I'm rooting for #1.
unrelatedly i think im gonna download boogie nights just to see mark wahlberg's penis
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
i really didnt think i was that drunk last night but the txts from unknwn #s that say i like your lace panties are def telling me otherwise
Randomize
