Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
had a nice chat with the older gay fellow who works in the bakery at the new vons about vday...we both feel that it's a day of dashed expectations & concerns that we'll have to be cut out of our spanx
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
EITHER I'M HIGH OR JUST REACHED A NEW LEVEL OF SINGLE FEMALE SADNESS BECAUSE THIS BROWNIE IS GIVING ME ORGASMS
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
Man it shouldn't be possible to get mad while you're stoned. I feel like ive broken one of the laws of physics
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