My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
He sent me a Microsoft outlook meeting request to blow him in the storage room at work. I had to accept.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
they adjusted my tv to black and white ... i thought i drank myself to colorblindness
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
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