Telling her that my penis is called megatron was not a good idea for a first date.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.
You're a rent hooker.
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
I don't like getting sloppy drunk but I don't like getting just half drunk either, I'm way too responsible if my blood alcohol level is below 0.2
I borrowed a glass of wine. And the bottle. Your cat said it was ok
There's a bus with a band full of dancing women in bras. I think I like it here.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Floor bacon is actually really good
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Yeah. 11 people shoved in a clown car for a 1 hour party. I'm too old for house parties.
Randomize
