Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
She said I was really immature but whatever...oh by the way we just bought a toilet and turned it into a beer bong so come over
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Know we haven't talked but having an orgy party on the 20th if you're interested. If not, disregard this text.
Who is this?
You were trust falling into bushes
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
Just saw the pics from the bachelor party. When the hell did we go to southie. And why was there a chicken in the limo..? You guys really are my best friends.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
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