my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
apparently my buddy was fucking on our couch downstairs so i decided it was necessary to walk downstairs naked in a hockey mask.
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
Randomize
