just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
omg my older sister has been googling "how do I know if I've had an orgasm?" and "bj tips". the family laptop is not meant for this...
I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
i woke up this morning wearing my pants as a scarf and my shirt as a daiper, my boyfriends contact name in my phone is "human sacrifice" and yours is "i like eggs"....can someone please tell me what happened last night
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
