i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.
And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Just went over my top ten highlight reel with that guy I'm fucking. It was like we were sports announcers. But about sex.
Never thought having a box of Cheerios could get me laid. My new lucky charm hello girl in 2B
The smoothie place is closed, but the liquor store is open and wine is kinda like a smoothie.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
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