I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I am like the Mr. Miyagi of queefs.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
there were at least 5 of us standing around the bathroom stall cheering you on to throw up.
I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
It's not that I even wanna fuck these guys anymore, just cuddle that's all. My conscience has never been so proud.
I would recommend NOT getting ass enhancement shots.
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I kept falling all over the place and yelled at the bouncer you can't kick me out I'm from Texas.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
I can't believe the MLB is making the NHL look good.
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