Doo rag and shades in the bar. You are missing your future husband.
I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
.As long as you're some how patriotic with your sexual escapades, I can support it.
Dude just bought the table 3 bottles of champaign and broke one on the floor as his "signature" and he makes me want this recession hit harder
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
Randomize
