honestly, who buys weed with an unemployment check?
you.
oh yeah. preciate
i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
Attempted to dodge my boyfriends cum last night and ended up falling off the bed and getting the worlds most painful charlie horse. fuck my life.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
Randomize
