He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7
It's like a choose-your-own-adventure. But the adventure is already chosen for you. And it sucks.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
btw my frat has a search out for you. the "girl who threw up in the middle of the party" but it was on some fat girls. so thank you.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I could fuck to npr.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Randomize
