Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
Yea.. I remember nothing. Except that the taxi driver was 56 years old and apparently never cheated on his wife.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
There's mini weenies and empanadas everywhere...
Well if I can't snuggle you, I might as well snuggle a stranger's cat.
You have the perkiest tits in all of North America. You're fine.
I give out orgasms like candy and ride a motorcycle...how is that not appealing
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
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