I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.
I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Strip mythology. Everyone wins. Most of all me.
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
That's the only way to get approved without a guarantor.
WHAT DOES THAT MEAN WHAT FUCKING LANGUAGE ARE YOU SPEAKING
Had to drive my booty call home because he had an asthma attack after we had sex .. How was your night?
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
