I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
Just spent 3 hours on the Mcdonalds website. I don't know what to do with myself now that college is over.
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
He went bowling in his bathroom.. And shattered the toilet.
Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.
Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
Randomize
