if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
Just saw a guy wearing pink jeans and i bet he's straight. Fuck 2009.
Nothing says fuck you quite like putting your used condom in someones mailbox for them to find in the morning.
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.
She's the worst person, but the best naked person
He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Why is there a cash register on top of my car?
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
First. I had the strength. Now. I am the death.
Trying to decide if I'm relieved or disappointed that I didn't receive any fuck boi calls on nye
Randomize
