my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
a bus full of elementary school kids may or may not have seen me pissing off my front porch this morning
Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
last night he took my thong off with his teeth... god bless champagne
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I hate him. I fucked every one of his friends AND his fat brother and he still won't break up with me.
We watched scrubs, then I got a shower blowjob which led to shower sex and the living room floor sex. Now she's baking cookies. I may not be studying, but I'm doing something right.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I walked in on him fucking her whilst she ate skittles. I saw things no one should see, but I did get your bra back. You owe me.
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