i need a penis for penetration, you wont do.
oh yeah... my b.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.
Called Jeff last night and told him I wanted to have sex in the airport terminal. Blackout Brooke definitely came out last night.
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I just want to hook up with Ed Sheeran. Why does it have to be so difficult?
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
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