closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
Dont forget about the tuna sandwich behind your TV
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
I am walking funny today. And it's sad because it's from the bad encounter with the sidewalk rather than a good encounter with a stripper
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
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