someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
is it bad that i have made the decision to never travel to vienna simply because of that transvestite that won the bachelor?
dont start drinking without me
They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.
how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?
please dont let the old guy in the wheelchair see you when you wake up
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
Welp, I've officially cried in every Chipotle bathroom in the city. Correlation or causation?
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
Like actually I will be single and sad and lonely for ever. Cheese will be my life partner. Robot sex is my future.
I JUST FARTED SO LOUD AND HARD I IMMEDIATELY TASTED IT
Randomize
