Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
I can't wait to hear about your drunken cab ride to planned parenthood at 2pm
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
Yo, I totally had forgotten you were CA. Thank you for making my life easier with modern medicine.
I promised to leave my panties on but I didn't promise to not have sex
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Randomize
