i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
