Seriously, stop being so datable w your movie/song prefs
How can i ever say i miss u when u wont go away
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
You okay?
I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
I think I fell asleep on the dance floor at one point...but played it off cool and acted like I just did the robot.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
