can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
just when i thought things couldnt get worse, the batteries died in my vibrator.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
Ok a condom literally fell out of my underwear this morning, i have never been so confused.
So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
Woke up naked on your sister's mattress lying next to a single slice of bread.
All im saying is that my face might fall off.
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
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