It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.
you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.
All I remember is running out of the bathroom with one shoe on and the other in my hand. Pretty sure I was yelling as well.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
I just bout myself an edible arrangement for myself and had it delivered to work. I even wrote myself a note. This is a new low for me.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
I swear I have some evil slut demon in me when I'm blacked out
Don't we all.
Randomize
