You wanna call me after your homoerotic shower?
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
Chasing bourbon with pepto... Dedication.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
holy fuck man...it feels like I got beat the fuck out of by death's baseball bat...chimichangas?
REMEBER. We are young, horny, and poor. If someone wants to give us alcohol... TAKE. IT.
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Fucked a DJ on a jetski today... I love florriidaaa!
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