I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
The gym has a pool
my gym membership just went from "way to get in shape" to "place to go swim when I'm high"
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
i should do something illegal before my birthday. as of thursday im old enough to go to jail.
he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"
Dude you spoke to a girl about CRICKET. She MUST want sex
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I took the pregnancy test for shits and giggles, but neither shits nor giggles were had.
I need to wear something that says I would have sex with you but I'm not going to
New Orleans is just like you. Dirty but beautiful and will always have a special place in my heart
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
I guess I'm famous. Hot lesbian was WARNED about me. Still hooked up with her.
I'll pay you to teach me.
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