Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Do you ever look back at facebook pics and say, "are those really guys I had sex with?"
It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night
apparently i found nail polish and started playing a game i made up called "paint a nail, do a shot"
Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
There's Dick Pix, Zorro, and The Little Engine that Could. I nickname my fuck buddies for the exact same reason why you don't name animals which you will one day have for dinner.
I wouldn't call us friends exactly. Honestly I just hang out with him so I can hit on his girlfriend. They won't last long, and I'll be there to pick up the scraps
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
My hands smell like vagina and ham.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
