I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
so just saw tiger woods pull a page out of his wifes book and hit some kid in the head with a golf club
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
For someone who wanted a break I'm getting way to much dick
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
