I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Something strange is happening to me, I think I miss hooking up with girls sober
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I'm not sending you pictures to jack off to. That's not what friends do
I am in a hotel room with 10 people. John is in bed eating an industrial sized pan of mashed potatoes. I think a non insignificant number of people saw my nipples.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
