At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
For some reason 'start yourself on fire drunk' isn't nearly as funny after last 4th of july..
its great to know that you distinguish your relationships on whether you can cum on someone's face
All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
I feel like I can hear facebook. What did we smoke?
You were so drunk you decided to go out of the car window instead of using the door, once you realized what you had just done you said fuck it and went back in through the window
No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Spider-Man is making out with Wonder Woman while Captain Kirk feels up Princess Lea. Nice to see nerd barriers broken down at Comic Con.
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
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