I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
he said he "kind of had sex before.. Barely" i think it was one of those situations where you slide into home and get tagged out.
I think I should just go up to him and say, "before I invest time in this could I just take a look at your penis?"
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well
We wore fake mustaches and shirts that said team mustache ride to a party we weren't even invited to
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
All she has to do is text me and my dick gets hard. She asked how my day was going and it got hard.
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
dude im trying to eat his ass so can you stop for 10 minutes
Randomize
