i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?
I need to stop getting so excited when a guy unzips his pants and its bigger than my boyfriends. I look like a kid in a candy store.
I think I'm allergic to vodka. Or people getting engaged. One or the other. I want to die.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I hate when he takes the condom off to cum all over me. It defeats the purpose.
It’s like having a barf bag and choosing to puke in your own lap.
Randomize
