How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
I wanna passion pit in your ass
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
Do 'mystery' cracked ribs heal any quicker than regular ones?
I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.
i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!
after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
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