It's sad how good I am at giving people diseases
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
I'm just more comfortable with the bondage
FUCK and YOU. times 10. To infinity and beyond. You bastard. Worst. Cockblock. Ever. I'm going to nail your sister.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
was I atleast graceful when I feel down that flight of stairs and broke my hand?
I dont know who to turn my two weeks notice into so I'm just going to get hammered at work and see who fires me.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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