I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
high people should be assigned attendants
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Inquiring minds want to know if your Bf is circumcised
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
you know that feeling on acid where you think the world stops just to fuck with you? That's what it felt like.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck
I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!
The one that slept in my truck and you peed in his face?
Randomize
