Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Dude you has no fucking this poptart
What?
I dont know to explain this.
you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
Amanda bynes is my spirit animal
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I'm not sure I can continue to condone our having sex in all of your friends' beds
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Randomize
