It smelt so bad when i tried biting off her underwear that i didn't want to touch with my mouth
apparently went to arby's at 2:30am banging on the windows for someone to make me a "beefy"
Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.
You're so wise. You're like my sexual Grandmother Willow.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
You have not lived until you've seen your mother stumble into the house with one shoe on mumbling incoherently about tequila cupcakes.
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
I need to get laid. Right now that freshman frat pledge & my Econ professor are the leading candidates
That’s quite a spread
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