This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
I am too high to leave where I am...And they are listening to Stained. This is my living hell.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
WTF? Why is there a pic of my tits in ur dad's office?
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
i just remember that i was on top of him and he wasnt contributing to the event much.. god i hope he wasnt asleap.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
Randomize
