Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
I have a feeling that after last night, i'm not just going to hell. i'm going to hell on a full scholarship. free admission bitches
One of her kids, Dakota I think, got stuck in a ceiling fan and she had a fit, thats when she found the penis hat.
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
He told me they were just razor bumps!
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
Just smokin in the creek with some deer, they like the smoke, I know.
A guy claiming to be the Japanese counterpart to the White Power Ranger is trying to take me home....
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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