Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
He's pole dancing on a heat lamp.
i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
He said we would have a beautiful daughter together. That way too much for a one night stand...
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
the bucket list is making me question my morals...and sexuality
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