PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
Just Peed in a cup for my country. Fighting the good fight.
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
I called him the wrong name all night, yet I still got a ride home from the party and hooked up with the guy. I'm irresistible.
When the bouncer doesn't let you in... Don't ask him where he works so you could file a complaint with the better business bureau... It only proves him right.
It's 5 PM...and you're 35. Congrats on being an amazing human being.
Randomize
