Dude, this chick just tossed my salad hard. All that I could picture was a dog trying to get the last of the peanut butter out of the jar of Jiff and trying not to think of how grotesque my last dump was.
Then she tried to kiss me and I wouldn't and she got pissed off and went to sleep. Then about an hour later, her kid called her. She went home and on the way out I told her to wash her mouth before she kissed her kid good night. Weird night..
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?
i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
Care to explain why there is sushi in the soap dish in the bathroom
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
So in hindsight, going through the McDonald's drive thru plastered at 4 a.m. on stolen bikes was a bad idea.
Randomize
