There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
We really shouldn't need this many nicknames for the women you've had sex with.
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Phil and I agree that the level of sand in your vagina rivals that of many of the earth's largest deserts
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
Randomize
