it's not the walk of shame if you do it in cowboy boots.
Turns out Woolite can get the cum stains out of her moms couch.
remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
I smoked that joint really fast and now I'm so high I'm crawling around on all 4 giving my dogs piggie back rides pretending its the macy day parade for dogs and I'm their giant human float.
No dude, he just dipped his cigarette info ranch dressing and lit it. He's said he normally doesn't do that but it's Memorial Day.
He took my virginity but also my remaining pizza. i dont know how to feel right now.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I almost rear ended this hot guy driving a Porsche Cayenne just so I could get his phone number
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
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