Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon
it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
If he cant deal with my insomnia and sex drive I really feel sorry for his child and ex fiance. Adulthood breakups are depressing.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
