I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
He broke up with me over the phone while I was getting my bush waxed into a "D" for his surprise birthday present. Talk about bad timing...
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
she stuffed her marc jacobs purse full of cereal
classy
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
Randomize
