on the list of things id be doing when i was almost 30, waiting for a girl to finish shitting the bed wasn't on there.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis
first party of the semester tomorrow. thinking of wearing a huge sign that says "my summer was good" to avoid the 67 questions and get straight to drinking
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
Might call you tomorrow on a drunken hate filled rant, or just a normal hate filled rant, either way be ready.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
I definitely almost just pulled a condom out of my purse instead of money for my dad.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
