He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Change your flight to Denver. That's where my penis is.
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
I sang Jenna happy bday in the middle of throw up hurls
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I wish I could be the kind of drunk Bobbi is... She stumbles around outside at 4am with a broken high heel and babbling about rainbows and getting dick...
I just woke up on the floor with an empty handle in one hand and a piece of my ceiling in the other. #classy
My parents are being so annoying about my colon.
Randomize
