My room smells like vodka and shame
lesson #67 learned in college: a three day old margarita, is still a margarita.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had
Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...
I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
Come my child we shall walk thru the pasture of amazing sex and corndogs. Hint:some corndogs are not corndogs.
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
I'm sorry I didn't respond. I had a shit day. However, I just masturbated to Adele's Rolling In the Deep while crying. It was oddly therapeutic.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
I was just told that I'm the Sherlock Holmes of drunken sex. I'll take it.
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