an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Kings cup with teenagers tonight
Done deal
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
One day, I might be old and married wishing I could bang everyone... and that'll be a problem. So I feel in my heart it's something I need to do.
I woke up on a different floor than I went to sleep on. Can't find my shoes.
Guys are like someone else's baby; i'll play with them but if responsibility is involved i'll hand them off.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
