I wanna come home
And do what?
Kiss. Rip clothes off. Repeat.
ya i vaguely remember microwaving a whole package of bacon for 20 minutes or so and then eating it all around 4am
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?
And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
I finally got the glitter off in time to get to the party and bang the bday boy in the bathroom while his girlfriend was lighting the bday cake candles.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
I only have sex with you to have a memory to masturbate to.
Randomize
